I, MACHINE

From the desk of our anonymous source who doesn’t like to be quoted:

We caught up with the gregarious Sasha Vujacic recently at a Venice boardwalk café. He was accompanied by long-legged superstar girlfriend Maria. The first thing we noticed was how utterly massive he’s become over the summer, attributed to nonstop power lifting and nutritional supplements. Over soy lattes and scones, Sasha expressed an ardent desire to switch playing positions to power forward for the upcoming season.

Continuing the surprising conversation, Sasha revealed that he’s always wanted to man the paint but was suppressed by European coaches who pigeonholed him from an early age, a trend that continued after being drafted by the NBA. When reminded of his oft-expressed desire to run the point, the Slovenian replied that he was only following orders and had also been bothered by trade rumors lately, along with internet ridicule. He says he’s now eager to get his freak on against Kevin Garnett, Kenyon Martin and other front court enforcers.

Sasha knows he’s a bit short for the position but says his recent workout regime makes him feel very, very powerful. As he described his new physique and willingness to rumble, the willowy Maria pressed against him with murmured grunts and shrieks (much quieter than her on-court banshee battle-cries but still signature Sharapova).

One other noticeable change, Sasha’s now sporting a fuller, more luxurious uni brow. He admits that he no longer tweezes, adding that it makes him feel more like Sampson. Before parting ways, we asked if fans will still be treated to his outside shooting prowess. Sasha said no, his increased bicep size hinders that ability. He didn’t seem particularly bothered however, noting that "anybody can score in the NBA but nobody likes to do the dirty work anymore".

We look forward to seeing our rebuilt machine in action, come this Fall!